Sorry for the lateness of this review everyone, as always, life intervened. Look for coverage tomorrow of episodes 5 and 6 aka the big finale. But for now, let's catch up with last week's peak behind the backstage curtain that is British Boot Camp!
Kicking the show off, we find the Blossom twins being treated to a makeover by the best stylists the industry has to offer. As to be expected, they had a whale of a time. When do women being pampered not! Slowly but surely, the men were brought in to gaze upon the ladies revamped beauty. Well, I say gaze, it's more of a gawp really. Rockstar Spud thought them both to be "pretty fit", while Party Marty clearly had his eye on one Blossom in particular. Just don't ask which, as I'm still in the dark on that front (as I imagine I always will be, sorry girls!). Now, instead of which one has a fringe and the other not, they've switched things up with a pair of straighteners and curling tongs. It definitely improved their look and brought them one step closer to the image of a TNA Knockout.
Rejoined by the always classy TNA President, Dixie Carter, the Campers were whisked away to a fancy restaurant called The Palm. A notorious celebrity hotspot, it's walls are positively covered in signatures. In a rare moment of humility, the boys were both hit by the surreal nature of where they were and just who they were dining with. It never hurts to massage the ego of your future boss. There may be hope for them yet! But let's not get carried away, there are plenty more situations for the boys to make colossal asses of themselves...and it just so happens...upon toasting their success, Marty and Spud down their glasses of wine like a pint down the local!
Pulling out her trusty iPad, Dixie proceeded to school the Campers as to how to present themselves. Not just at the dinner table, but the night before at TNA's signature event, Bound for Glory. Having the footage of their brief appearance on camera all cued up, she played it to them for the first time. Working her way around the table, she correctly called Spud out for being a little too emphatic and desperate in his few seconds of fame. A rockstar's behaviour, it was not. Very smartly, she also pointed out just what a negative reaction the sight of Spud mugging for the camera had on the Blossoms. As I mentioned in the last review, the twins were entirely thrown by the manic ball of energy to their side and damn near winced their way through the brief moment of TV time. Fortunately, they recovered well, blowing kisses to the audience, pulling their proverbial iron from the fire at the last moment. Marty was the most confident of the group, assuming his gesture of "number one" would win over the audience. However, he was soon deflated to realise he'd been chewing gum throughout the entire shot and looked worryingly unprofessional.
With no clear winner from group's first official TNA appearance, there was only one way to decide this - a drinking contest. And who better to preside, than "The Cowboy" himself, James Storm. Only a day removed from his bloody Bound for Glory victory over "The It Factor" Bobby Roode, his forehead was covered entirely by a huge plaster. Probably the only thing keeping his brain from spilling out after such a deep blading the night before. Frankly, heavy drinking after blood loss like that, it's a wonder he was still standing! But where the Cowboy could take his liquor, the Brits were, in his own words, "pretty pissed".
The night's festivities began with the group rewatching Storm's match from the night before and the reactions were absolutely classic. The brutality was making all of them shy away in terror, with Spud quoted as saying "I've never seen someone bleed so much before". Whether any of the Campers have such dedication to their craft, it remains to be seen. Pitching in his opinion of the potentials, Storm thought the Blossoms may be in for a tough time, listing countless world class Knockouts on the TNA roster. As for the boys, he immediately pegged Marty Scurll as the ladies' man, and wouldn't you just know it, yet another TNA legend calling Spud out as a good guy and alot of fun. I don't think there's any acting to be done where Scurll is involved, but Spud has been downright schizophrenic throughout this entire process. When a camera is in his face, it's almost as if his mind explodes and he becomes the insufferable prat we've all been watching. But keep him behind closed doors and ask him to bond with his fellow wrestler, they all come away fans of the Rockstar.
As the party continued, the Campers apprehensively tried their hand at a Nashville tradition - the mechanical bull! Clearly spurred on by their excessive intake of alcohol, they all stepped up to the plate...and they all failed abysmally. For professional wrestlers, these guys are lacking any sense of balance whatsoever! I do, however, admire their delusional belief in their own abilities. Lots of embarrassing fun was had that night and it didn't end at riding a bull, although that depends on what you've heard about Marty...
That's right, ladies and gentleman. Put enough alcohol down his neck and boy does he Blossom! For the first time in the six week process, the twins show a difference of opinion, as Hannah gladly snogs Marty's face off! Their fellow contestants watched on in horror, almost more so than at James Storm's bloodletting. Particularly, the victim's sister, Holly. But like a car crash, you just can't take your eyes off it. Frequently turning her gaze back to the lovebirds, Holly sure did take in the show.
Last, but not least, ACTUAL WRESTLING!!! Just when you were thinking that British Boot Camp was all about copping off and getting drunk, TNA throw a curve ball and feature wrestlers wrestling. It's a radical approach, but I'll see where it leads. And where it leads is Ohio Valley Wrestling, the long time developmental ground for WWE and more recently TNA. CM Punk, John Cena, Randy Orton, Brock Lesnar, Mickie James, Tara, etc. All the superstars you watch on a weekly basis, they once came through the doors at OVW.
The instructors putting the Campers through their paces were none other than Al Snow and Doug Williams, two veritable legends of the sport and current TNA agents. Beginning with a few easy mindgames, Snow was tying the desperately respectful Spud in knots. By the time he worked his way round to Marty, the contestants were falling into a remarkably nervous cliche patter. Scurll talked of how much he'd sacrificed to get there, just what Al's heard a thousand times over from every other rookie in the business. Finally, Snow posed an interesting question to the Blossoms - what happens if one is more successful than the other? No good answer to that question, but the awkward looks between the pair were hilarious.
Doug Williams then took over for basic drills, asking them to run the ropes for a few minutes. The biggest surprise of the episode had to be, at this late a stage in the game, they were doing it wrong! Both Marty and Spud were putting their full body weight against the ropes, with no care or consideration if something were to go wrong. Al Snow correctly pointed out that they should be grabbing the top rope and leaning into it. The last thing you want to be seeing in the fourth episode out of a series of six is that the contestants can't do the simplest of maneuvers!
Join me back here tomorrow for the reviews of the final two episodes of British Boot Camp. Who will be the lucky Camper to win the prized TNA contract and appear weekly on Impact Wrestling? Guesses in the feedback!
Written by Mark Clements
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